Last week, I did a video about how narcissists love to scare you. Recently, a narc in my life made a valiant attempt to conjure up fear and uncertainty in my heart. When their efforts didn't work, it appears they went back to the drawing board to regroup and re-present with more potent ammunition.
I was correct. Yesterday, the narcissist contacted me with even more "concerns" about what "people" were saying about me behind my back. When pressed for details, instead of backing down, this time they became irate and defensive. Angry it seems, that I would have any say-so in what they were bringing to me. Angry that I would ask questions about information concerning me.
Their tone quickly shifted from one of 'concern' to one of disdain. Their messages became longer and longer and more incoherent. Every issue they raised was met with a response. I took the time to pick apart their diatribe and address every single issue one by one. In all, there were about 12. I wanted to talk through them. I wanted to explore them. They simply wanted to deliver the fear. When they realized they weren't getting anywhere, they ended the conversation. I lost not one wink of sleep over it.
I came in this morning half expecting to be reprimanded by the leaders I was told were "talking about me behind my back." I was pulled into a room, and instead of a reprimand, I was asked to help write the speaker notes for a presentation to over 300 leaders. In addition, I was asked to help prep the presenter, also a senior leader.
I consider this a success story because in the past, the efforts on behalf of the narc would have severely derailed me, my thought processes, and subsequent actions. I would have lost sleep over it. I would have brooded and sulked and been upset. Instead, I held my ground, listened out for anything that might be true, and when discovered no truth present, dismissed the accusations. I chose to believe in myself and my work product for a change. I chose to believe what is good about me for a change.
My encouragement to you is to always try and maintain your presence of mind with these people. Just because someone is sharing something "confidential" with you doesn't automatically make it true. What's whispered in secret about you isn't necessarily true just because it was said in secret. Lies and exaggerations can be shared in secret, also. My wish for you is that you will develop such high discernment, you'll know when someone is bringing a genuine concern to you, and you'll also know when someone is intentionally trying to upset you with the purposes of throwing you off-course.
Hi P2E, I came across your videos and they have brought so much healing and validation to me. I too have dealt with Narcissistic bosses, attract Narcissistic people, and ect to my life. I'm really beginning to understand me and how to pick them out and/or deal with them. Thank you and God bless for doing there videos. It makes so much sense to me as I was once told that I was a co-dependent and a HSP(highly sensitive person). I listens to that pod cast too by Kelly O. Thanks again, thcod@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a terrific job in providing information on this disorder. I have been studying this thing for a few years, however, I never really understood why until last year when I put two and two together to notice that I am surrounded by them being that I married into a family of dysfunctional demons. Though my husband or his sister will never admit it they are narcissists (or that they know what that means) it helps me to understand what I deal with, and what I must do to stay sane.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much !!
Great post! Narcissism in the workplace is very unique because I feel like there is some sort of unspoken status quo people are supposed to follow, especially in corporate offices, where I used to work.
ReplyDeleteThe woman who headed the HR department of that place was especially ruthless. She would try to gaslight me and twist her words, but luckily, I took the habit of writing down EVERYTHING she was saying. This pissed her off because I would repeat what was written and because everyone could witness me actively writing, they hated me. At the very next session, she brought in her minion with a laptop to record what I was saying! Laughable.
What I notice with these Narcs is that if you don't know what's going on or fall for their trickery, they know they got you. But if you, like how you did in your post, stand firm, they will back off. When I stood firm with my notepad and had an unwavering facade, she got more aggressive, then more aggressive, and eventually I called her out on her aggressiveness (because SHE represents HR! how ironic). She proceeded with, "Am i being aggressive? Am I?! Then let me know!" And my response was, "I just did. And now you are making me really uncomfortable." She could not risk her title as head of HR by continuing to verbally attack me, although I could tell that's what she really wanted to do.
All we have to do is stand firm and be present and aware of their tactics, stick to the facts and show no emotion. I was able to "win" the little predicament, and get all of us in our department our proper severance pay and unemployment benefit opportunities. Yay! Screw narcs!
personal value, self worth, confidence, awknowldgement, appreciation, ambition, happiness Everyday, fearlessness when you wake up..furthermore...Light hearted anticipation of the coming day upon waking up everyday.... when they see these things you've regained ..have a sense of faulty self...recognize their self diagnosed "spiralling" epsidodes of Failed attempts at emotional negations put downs and dehumanizing threats give way to self loathing in a rather emphatically dramatic breakdowns...I can watch on..stand without defensiveness for emotions I didn't provocate admitedly, not engaging until..sometimes hours...the "spiral" has ended and he begins to cry....the flood gates are opened but for a few moments and I can really really communicate here...these moments are invaluable as so much is retained within him during these emotional moments of his Personal Epiphany, and applied with significant effort. "someone who loves you would never put themselves in a position to lose it". a narc would say "someone who loves me would never put themselves in a position to lose me" 'having fub with my Narc' just leaves guilt...intention is no object....the "fun" is required...u have to stand back and chuckle a little Otherwise be dragged into the upheave and try to survive ...like no..impossible... chuckle absolutely required...but the guilt of being Completely aware of what he's looking to understand so desperately....the struggle of oxymoron meets will power......
ReplyDeleteI am an electrician now and my boss told me that the owner is happy with what I have been accomplishing. When I got home my narcissistic partner that I have been with for30 years. And is still married to her oldest daughters father by the way. Starts out by telling me all about her day as usual. So I listened and commented on some things and fed her need. When she was done. I started to tell her about my day and what I was doing. No comment and a complete disinterest. I went on to tell her what my boss said. She wasn't looking at me but I could see her frown slightly and turned to go check the food she was cooking on the stove. She doesn't cook but a couple days a week btw. Made no comment and completely ignored me as she always does. Normally it would have made me mad. But because of everything I learned from you I just smiled and laughed to myself. Because of what I know now, her ignorance was amusing to me instead of making me mad! It is sooo nice to understand what kind of person I am dealing with. She just called me for dinner and expects me to run. But when I make dinner she won't come for it right away and sometimes doesn't even eat even though I spent my time cooking. It is so nice to understand why these people are the way they are. And she loves to play the female mother card. It no longer makes me mad, I find it amusing!LOL
ReplyDeleteExactly what happened to me...during finals in last spring, on Monday one narc colleague ambushed me with an accusation which was a complete distortion of a prior conversation, insinuating there was a complaint, then on Friday a second narc colleague (new chair....Noooooooo) "I'll take you to lunch...on me" ambushed me at the end of the lunch with the exact same accusation, I observed that this one left me hanging, wondering if the accusation was friend-friend, colleague-colleague, or chair-underling and a veiled warning that it would show up on my review. I have had all summer to study and realize that they are both narcs, and I must deal with them daily for the upcoming year. Good news is that the second I realized what they were...I see them as broken children--and they look powerless, and I no longer fear them or feel the mind revving when I have to deal with them.
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