Narcs Have Tremendous Disruptive Power

It only takes one or two narcissists to completely derail business operations.

What's interesting about this is they don't always have to be in positions of power.  Mainly, they just have to be untouchable.  

Short of threatening their peers with violence, these people will never be fired, and they'll never be removed from their positions.  They do just enough work to never warrant poor performance reviews, but also, not enough work to truly push the company forward.

Currently, there are two narcissists in my department that keep us in a stifling, choking holding pattern.  One is in a position of power, the other is an individual contributor.  The one in power is completely closed off to input and feedback, a cheapskate, and a fundamentally nasty person.  This narc alone keeps us from moving forward and being great, but this is to be expected.

What's interesting is the individual contributor narc; whose presence is so psychically disruptive, the department is frozen.  Even if you were to remove the narc in power, the I.C. narc would remain, and keep the department held hostage.

How does the I.C. narc do this?  She pretends she's unable to take on new assignments (preventing the equal distribution of work), she has no transferable skills or expertise and is not interested in learning any (prevents department from offering new resources to business partners), she is completely closed off to feedback and input (projects end up coming across as unfinished and unprofessional), she is usually in some sort of funk (affects the moods of those around her), and more than any of this- sees nothing wrong with what I've listed above.  The removal of this particular narc would propel our department forward by at least three years.

So why haven't they fired her yet?  They don't have any real reason to.  She "delivers" on the one project she has, and if this is all she's held to, what basis would they have?  The problem is, the work they can't give to her they give to myself and another peer.  I watch her seethe as assignments and accolades go to other people, but she absolutely refuses to accept those same assignments.  More than being unwilling to accept them, she is fundamentally incapable of delivering on the assignments. Upper management has given up and works around her 'inability.'

As a department, our credibility is shot.  We have a million conversations around why this is the case, but it really all traces back to two people- one in power who is unwilling to change, and one not in power who is unwilling to change.  This unwillingness to be better neutralizes the good work of others and grinds the department down to nubs.  As a whole we end up producing a mediocre product that other people can see and are hard pressed to take seriously.

Never underestimate the far-reaching effects a narcissist can have on any environment, but in particular, the business environment.  My greatest hope now is to find my way to a better company soon, or hope that a non-narc boss gets hired into upper management, and cleans house.

Success Story!

Last week, I did a video about how narcissists love to scare you.  Recently, a narc in my life made a valiant attempt to conjure up fear and uncertainty in my heart.  When their efforts didn't work, it appears they went back to the drawing board to regroup and re-present with more potent ammunition.

I was correct.  Yesterday, the narcissist contacted me with even more "concerns" about what "people" were saying about me behind my back.  When pressed for details, instead of backing down, this time they became irate and defensive.  Angry it seems, that I would have any say-so in what they were bringing to me.  Angry that I would ask questions about information concerning me.

Their tone quickly shifted from one of 'concern' to one of disdain.  Their messages became longer and longer and more incoherent.  Every issue they raised was met with a response.  I took the time to pick apart their diatribe and address every single issue one by one.  In all, there were about 12.  I wanted to talk through them.  I wanted to explore them.  They simply wanted to deliver the fear. When they realized they weren't getting anywhere, they ended the conversation.  I lost not one wink of sleep over it.

I came in this morning half expecting to be reprimanded by the leaders I was told were "talking about me behind my back."  I was pulled into a room, and instead of a reprimand, I was asked to help write the speaker notes for a presentation to over 300 leaders.  In addition, I was asked to help prep the presenter, also a senior leader.

I consider this a success story because in the past, the efforts on behalf of the narc would have severely derailed me, my thought processes, and subsequent actions.  I would have lost sleep over it.  I would have brooded and sulked and been upset.  Instead, I held my ground, listened out for anything that might be true, and when discovered no truth present, dismissed the accusations.  I chose to believe in myself and my work product for a change.  I chose to believe what is good about me for a change.

My encouragement to you is to always try and maintain your presence of mind with these people. Just because someone is sharing something "confidential" with you doesn't automatically make it true.  What's whispered in secret about you isn't necessarily true just because it was said in secret.  Lies and exaggerations can be shared in secret, also.  My wish for you is that you will develop such high discernment, you'll know when someone is bringing a genuine concern to you, and you'll also know when someone is intentionally trying to upset you with the purposes of throwing you off-course.

Why Am I So Passionate About Narcissism?

On the channel, commenters will frequently write, "Why waste so much time on Narcissism?  Just cut ties and walk away."

As much as I would like to do this, I can't.  I have seen the devastating long-term effects of exposure to a narcissist.  It withers the human soul from the inside out.  It derails entire lives.  It drains and disposes of the life force.

Many of my subscribers will tell the story of how they are now in their 50's attempting to rebuild their lives from the damage.  My goal, my mission, is to prevent excessive amounts of time from being spent on and with these people.  I want to teach people to identify the signs so they can either stop the relationship before it starts, or begin to plan their exit strategies.

As long as this disorder persists, I will persist.  I want people to be happy and free, and I want to bring narcissism to the end it deserves.

Narcissists Use People As Battery Packs

A characteristic behavior of Narcissists is to make use of the people around them in various ways, often referred to as 'narcissistic supply.'

In an intimate relationship, this often means that the non-narcissistic partner is holding up the narcissist while he or she achieves their goals.  This support often comes in the form of:

• Being a listening ear 
• Cooking meals and providing food
• Cleaning and laundry
• Paying some or all of the bills 
• Sex
• Taking care of the kids
• Tending to adult affairs (signing or renewing important documents, maintaining life insurance, handling car accident claims, scheduling doctor's appointments, etc.)

Some of you just read this list and thought, well what's wrong with that?  That's what people do for each other who love each other.  To that I would say you're absolutely correct!

Here's the narcissism piece:  A narcissist will expect you to do all of these things for them with absolutely no plans of reciprocation.  In other words:

• Being a listening ear- for me.  Your problems aren't anywhere near as important as mine.  Were you saying something just now? 
• Cooking meals and providing food- Because the daily task of finding food is just too much for me, even though I seemed to be able to do it just fine before we met.  
• Cleaning and laundry- Again, these daily tasks are just too much for someone as important as me.  Thank God I have you to do all of these things.  
• Paying some or all of the bills-  My money is just that; my money.  I'll contribute some, but can we use most of your money to accomplish these goals?
• Sex-  Why would you even dream of denying me sex?  This is what makes our relationship great!  What do you mean you're tired?
• Taking care of the kids-  Look, I don't have time for that.  Plus, you're better at it.  
• Tending to adult affairs (signing or renewing important documents, maintaining life insurance, handling car accident claims, scheduling doctor's appointments, etc.)- You're better at this, too.  Why don't you just handle it all huh?  And allow me to benefit?  Doesn't that bring you joy?

Being in a relationship with an adult narcissist will look and feel like being in a relationship with a teenager or large small child.  Children cannot do the majority of the things listed above, and should not be expected to.  You can teach a child how to cook and clean, and even the fundamentals of home finance, but it is not their responsibility.  Adult narcissists fail to realize that these things are their responsibility.

And if they do realize it, they have low to no desire to act on them.  After all, they've got you as their support system.  Their backbone.  Their battery pack.  You keep them going.

This is not to be confused with the person who may have quit their job to pursue a dream, and their spouse or partner backs them 100%.  This person has intentions of reciprocation someday, and has also demonstrated healthy reciprocation in the past.  These are people who have decided to work together towards a common goal, and one person's load will temporarily be heavier.  A narcissist has no intentions on ever receiving their share of the weight.  

If you are currently someone's battery pack and are tired of it, it's time to slowly start redistributing the load.  Be prepared, for your narcissist will react very poorly to this.  They don't like to work hard. They really don't care for responsibility.  They don't enjoy making their minds think.  When you start forcing them to behave as adults, they will respond in kind by behaving like toddlers.  As you watch the tantrum play out, ask yourself why this type of treatment and relational dynamic is okay with you.  

Refuse to allow yourself to be another's battery pack.  Force reciprocation, even when it feels uncomfortable.  Begin to allow yourself to be okay with receiving.  Practice it.  Over time, you will develop a strong aversion to imbalanced relationship, a distaste I hope stays with you throughout life.  

Why I Deleted My Facebook Page (And Haven't Looked Back)

I've been wrestling with the idea for a while; the scary but liberating prospect of deleting my Facebook account, an account I'd had for over ten years.

Facebook has gone the way of MySpace--a virtual hodgepodge and random assortment of thoughts from people whose insight you can probably do without.

The final push for me was the series of "challenges," where nominees find photos (of themselves) to post for a series of specified days in a row for no real prize other than to say it was done.  It was done, and I was done, too.  My Facebook has been gone for about two weeks now.

In these two weeks, I've clarified my thoughts, and realized what finally brought me to this decision:

1. I became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of keeping up with everyone I've ever met- for life.  Why do I know what the girl from my 3rd grade class had for breakfast? Why do I need to know?   Aren't people supposed to go their separate ways at some point for a reason?  Why this permanent touch-point?
2. Similarly, I started to dislike watching the passage of time via the conception, birth, and maturation of my friends' children.  It's not that I'm unaware the kids will grow up, it's that...I remember your sonogram picture.  And now to be celebrating your 7th birthday...feels strange to me.  I started to have visions of their high school graduations on my timeline and it became far too real for me.  I'd rather receive the invitation in the mail in ten years or so.  Thanks.  
3. On a related thread, it has saddened me to watch very promising lives stall out and flatline.  These are the people I just knew would succeed in life.  The people who'd grab life by the proverbial horns, and show us all how it's done.  I had high hopes and expectations for these people, and I've watched them slowly fizzle out on my timeline.  It's disheartening.   
4. I'm bothered by the amount of time my friends had to 'spend' on Facebook.  In fairness, I had to be on Facebook to even notice the amount of time my friends were spending on it, but what I'm referring to is the amount of content that would get posted on an almost hourly basis.  Content that had to take time to curate.  It made me wonder, "what do you guys do all day?"  Like, are you working?  Earning money?  Learning anything new?  Expanding?  Growing?  The vast majority seemed extremely bored, and that depressed me in an odd way.  I guess because, at one point, everyone seemed so hopeful and full of life.  Now they're all bored.  
5. I'm bothered by the amount of time I spent on Facebook.  I would literally find myself scrolling like a zombie through endless of hours of content that I had developed a serious love/hate relationship with.  Rarely was I "fed" by Facebook.  I got the occasional breaking news announcement there first, that I eventually would have gotten via other media outlets later on in the day.    Mostly, I got to sift through my friends' memes, rants, food pictures, injury pictures, feet kicked up with wine pictures, political innuendo, progression photos, and poorly written status updates.  I think the poorly written status updates broke me over time.  
6. Updates we didn't ask for and fishing for attention.  I lost respect for a lot of people I really admired over time because of these things.  Posting things like "Just vacuumed the whole house now off to my dentist appointment!" or "So upset right now.  Don't feel like talking."realllly got under my skin.  It really made me wonder about the mental makeup of these people, and why they felt the need to seek validation in such an odd way.  
7. The random assortment of 'friends.'  I grew to dislike my friends list, in the sense that my:  best friend, uncle, former boss, friend's mother from high school, friend's mother from college, current coworker, former coworker, middle school ex, and every type of person in between represented my friends list.  These were the people who would read everything I wrote.  See every picture.  Be privy to every "like."  It actually felt...invasive.  I'm aware of the filtering Facebook offers, but this seems like a lot of work for very little payout.  I eventually stopped posting altogether. 
8. The features Facebook oddly doesn't offer.  For example, there should be a "negative hashtag" feature.  What this means is, you'd have the ability to filter out everything you didn't want to see.  For example, if you're tired of all things election, you'd be able to create a filter using the minus sign.  So -election, -campaign, -white house, -vote, -candidates, etc.  Allow me to truly have control over my experience.
9. Your friends force you to think their thoughts/experience their experiences.  What if you're having a great day and scroll past a particularly disturbing post?  Now your good day has been tainted by something your friend thought you should see.  Now you have to spend time unthinking that thought.  I was spending far too much time unthinking thoughts I didn't want in the first place.  
10. I want the opportunity to become a better person than I was.  Facebook has a tendency to memorialize who you were.  For example, none of my current Facebook friends are aware this blog or YouTube channel exist.  The reason is because they do not know this version of me.  The version of me the majority of them hold is probably circa 2002.  I am a fundamentally different person now, but my Facebook page has not reflected that progression.  Because I don't share much, who my Facebook says I am is who people believe me to be still.  It's not a bad representation, it's just not a current one.  I have morphed.  

The day may come that I'll resurrect my Facebook, or create a new one in its entirety.  I doubt it though.  I feel like I've shed an old skin.  My mind feels freer and more clear.  I feel in control of my life.  I believe social media has an important place in the world, and I also believe it's important to know when to step away and evaluate its relevance and effectiveness in your life.  

Why Men Should Be Offended By 'Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man'

I just did a post on the channel where I'm beginning to address the problem(s) with Steve Harvey's book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

In a comment on this video that has since been deleted, I am asked if I'm a full-blown feminist. While I normally don't respond to such critiques, I'd like to address this one.  Anyone who has taken the time to review my work will see that I am a person who supports the fair and ethical treatment of all people, not just women. 

I cannot stand the mistreatment of people, period.  Over time, I will address all forms of that mistreatment.  The time has come now, though, to address Mr. Harvey's work and the awful message it is sending to women and men all over the world.  It is a how-to manual of survival in a narcissistic world of their creation.

So why should men be concerned?  Men should be concerned because men who think and act the way Steve Harvey describes will come into contact with their:

• Mothers
• Sisters
• Cousins
• Nieces
• Aunts
• Daughters

These men will tell all of the women listed above, "You can fit into a crack in my life and no more. But still be there for me though, while I build myself.  I can't be the man you need me to be, but I need you to be the woman I need you to be for me."  

Steve is telling all of the women listed above, "We play games with you and use tactics on you because you're naive and don't know how we think."  

Imagine your daughter's boyfriend coming to you and saying, "Gee man, did you teach her anything? I did a number on your girl's head.  Will take her years to unravel it.  Thanks for protecting the bro code, though."

Imagine your mother, who may be trying to date and remarry, ending up with a guy who plays games with her head primarily because she has no idea he does it and can get away with it.  What do you want to do to this guy?  The guy who makes your mother cry?

The good men out there never stop to consider the impact the bad men will have on the women in their lives.  They uphold the "bro code" by remaining silent, while the women in their lives are emotionally destroyed. Men like Steve Harvey make it seem okay to operate like this in the world.

So no, I'm not a "full-blown feminist" or a feminist for that matter.  I am a woman who is concerned with the whole of humanity and where it's headed, and I will address the behaviors I see that contribute to humanity's destruction. 

Stay tuned for Part 2!

Predators Make Each Other Uneasy

On the YouTube channel, I did a video called 'Narcissists Hate Cats.'  I make this assertion because overall and in general, they do.  I have learned through viewer comments, however, that lots of narcissists own cats, a fact I simply find fascinating!

One viewer made a very interesting comment today, and it got me thinking.   He said:

                        "Cats have narc radar.  Cats are predators....complex."

Indeed it is!  What makes another predator uncomfortable in the wild?  Only another predator! Predators are not made uncomfortable by prey.

So if a cat finds something off-putting about a person, it probably means something.  This is why most narcissists hate them; they can sense that the cat knows what's up.  Game recognizes game, right?

Link to Narcissists Hate Cats 

A Note On Self-Validation

I'm very passionate about many topics, validation being one of them.  I am very passionate about this in particular, because so many narcissists have worked overtime to invalidate me, in ways great and small, over the course of my lifetime.

It took me a very long time to find and believe in my voice.  It took me a very long time to consider my thoughts and opinions as true.  Every time I thought I had it, I'd either invalidate myself, or be invalidated by someone else in my life.   

One very freeing thought helped me along considerably in the process, and it was this:  Just because they won't validate your truth, doesn't make it any less true.  

In the past, I've needed someone else to understand in order to make my feelings true.  I've needed other people to "see" how I could arrive to certain conclusions.  

Now, I validate my own feelings and opinions.  This is not to say I'm never "wrong" because I certainly have been and certainly will be again.  What I'm saying is, I no longer need someone to say "Oh I can see why you'd be upset" or "I would feel the same way" or "No, I think you're right about that."  I validate myself.  I feel how I feel, and now I have options regarding what to do with those feelings.  

In conversations, and especially conversations with narcissists, I used to find myself getting very upset because they simply would not acknowledge my point of view as having some validity, if any at all.  They would ask me a question, I'd give them an answer, then they'd spend 15 minutes explaining why my answer wasn't satisfactory.  Why it wasn't valid.  These types of interactions can take a serious toll on a person's sense of self.  

If what you think and feel isn't correct, what are you? Who are you?  If what you like or don't like isn't correct, what is?  Whose is?  What is your place in the world?  Do you have one?

You begin to lose touch with reality because you can no longer define it.  This is why validation is so important; it helps you clarify reality.  Self-validation will be the most important type, but it's also important to validate others when they're presenting feelings, which really can't be argued with. Validating another's feelings doesn't necessarily mean accepting their point of view.  It means acknowledging that they feel how they feel, and they have every right to those feelings. 

Quick Tips For Improving Self-Validation:

• Start thinking your own thoughts more.  Take a break from social media.  Abandon the memes.  Turn off the radio for a little while.  See what your mind does without interference.  See what it says.
• Accept all versions of your feelings.  Even the ones you don't like.  If you hate someone, admit it to yourself.  Say it without a 'because.'  Just say to yourself, "I hate him."  "I hate her."  Don't explain it away.  Just sit with it.  How do you feel after a few minutes without the explanation?     
• Stand firm in your decisions.  If you've made your mind up about something, stick with it as long as the consequences won't be severe.  If you must, answer any questions asked about your decision, but don't "explain it away."  If the decision turns out to be a mistake, validate that you made a mistake and ask yourself what went wrong, and what you could do differently next time.  

When Truth and Lies Go to War...

When truth and lies go to war, it becomes an endless argument.

Many of us will spend, and quite a few already have spent, years trying to reason with a Narcissist. You've wasted valuable time and more important, energy, trying to get the narcissist to engage in reality.

It is an unfortunate cycle that will never conclude because lies and truths are polar opposites.  As long as they're committed to the lie, you will never reach a resolution.  Narcissists are profoundly committed to the lie.

In reality, it doesn't take much to reason with normal, well-adjusted people.  Many of these people simply lack exposure to the issue at hand, but posses the ability to hear out another position and make an informed decision.

Narcissists have little interest in arriving at an informed decision.  Most narcissists' minds are already made up about many different things, some of which they've not experienced in their own lives yet. If the narcissist had a hashtag, it would be #NoNewInfo.

#NewInfo forces the narcissist to reconsider their current approach.  Because their mask relies so heavily on maintaining the status quo, they absolutely cannot allow the entry of it.  Additionally, new information forces their mind, something they have limited control over, to "wrestle."

Narcissists don't like to do a lot of mental overriding.  They have an established script that works well for them, and don't enjoy the possibility of having to actively filter truth out of that script.  This is the same reason they don't really like to read.

As you interact with narcissists, bear in mind their overall avoidance to truth.  Once your attempts at reasonable adult communication have failed, you can now begin to devote your energy elsewhere.  You will never get your point across.  You will never "win."  Winning for you is the acceptance of the reality of the situation (you're dealing with a narcissist), and the planning of your exit strategy.

Commentary: How To Retain Millennials In A World Full of Job-Hoppers (Article)

https://learning.linkedin.com/blog/engaging-your-workforce/how-to-retain-millennials-in-a-world-full-of-job-hoppers

Part of PTE's overall mission is to change the way the world works, literally and figuratively. Changing the way the world works means destroying old thought processes that keep employees and businesses alike in a constant cycle of churn.

One of the favorite topics of today's HR professional is that of the "millennial" and how to really "speak to" this generation.  I have multiple problems with this:

1. It treats millennials as if they were dropped off by an alien species; as if they're not human, and not easily understood.  They act as if millennials aren't THEIR children.
2. Isolating and treating millennials as a separate entity takes attention and analysis away from the other real problems businesses are facing, most usually related to narcissism in high places.  

Companies, in particular Narcissistic companies, will often do everything in their power to place blame elsewhere.  We have high turnover?  Blame those job-hopping millennials.  Can't keep millennials in the fold?  It's because they're entitled and lazy.  No one ever stops to consider that maybe, just maybe, millennials have figured out what proper treatment looks like. 

Maybe millennials watched their parents suffer through their careers, and vowed never to sacrifice their lives in that way.  Maybe millennials recognize that work doesn't have to be difficult; that there are more efficient ways of doing things, and why not do them that way?  Maybe millennials are the first generation to decide that their lives are worth more than 30 years to retirement.  

Perhaps the generations that have come before are resentful of this.  Because they lacked options in terms of resources, they HAD to do things the hard way.  The long way.  The "right" way.  Ironically, the previous generations laid the technological framework that is now making millennials' lives easier.  

In the article cited above, they state:  

“The number-one reason all professionals switch jobs is that they are seeking a position that offers better professional development. And that’s even truer for millennials, who are the group most concerned about career development.”

If companies really believe this to be true, they will have a revolving door for life.  Research has shown over and over again, that the #1 people leave jobs is due to poor management, or a poor relationship with their direct supervisor.  The same holds true for millennials.  

Yes, they want a job that has career potential.  They want to be able to look out into the future and see 'somewhere' to go.  But they also want to be treated with respect.  They want to be treated like people.  They are not lab rats to be studied, as if they're some new culture that has just been discovered in the Amazonian rain forest.  They are humans just like everyone else, who happened to find themselves in the midst of a technological era.  

Instead of "trying to figure them out," why not embrace them?  Teach them what you know and let them teach you as well.  It is easy to forget that these dreaded millennials will one day be in charge of the whole show.  How is your company preparing the world for that?