A Note On Self-Validation

I'm very passionate about many topics, validation being one of them.  I am very passionate about this in particular, because so many narcissists have worked overtime to invalidate me, in ways great and small, over the course of my lifetime.

It took me a very long time to find and believe in my voice.  It took me a very long time to consider my thoughts and opinions as true.  Every time I thought I had it, I'd either invalidate myself, or be invalidated by someone else in my life.   

One very freeing thought helped me along considerably in the process, and it was this:  Just because they won't validate your truth, doesn't make it any less true.  

In the past, I've needed someone else to understand in order to make my feelings true.  I've needed other people to "see" how I could arrive to certain conclusions.  

Now, I validate my own feelings and opinions.  This is not to say I'm never "wrong" because I certainly have been and certainly will be again.  What I'm saying is, I no longer need someone to say "Oh I can see why you'd be upset" or "I would feel the same way" or "No, I think you're right about that."  I validate myself.  I feel how I feel, and now I have options regarding what to do with those feelings.  

In conversations, and especially conversations with narcissists, I used to find myself getting very upset because they simply would not acknowledge my point of view as having some validity, if any at all.  They would ask me a question, I'd give them an answer, then they'd spend 15 minutes explaining why my answer wasn't satisfactory.  Why it wasn't valid.  These types of interactions can take a serious toll on a person's sense of self.  

If what you think and feel isn't correct, what are you? Who are you?  If what you like or don't like isn't correct, what is?  Whose is?  What is your place in the world?  Do you have one?

You begin to lose touch with reality because you can no longer define it.  This is why validation is so important; it helps you clarify reality.  Self-validation will be the most important type, but it's also important to validate others when they're presenting feelings, which really can't be argued with. Validating another's feelings doesn't necessarily mean accepting their point of view.  It means acknowledging that they feel how they feel, and they have every right to those feelings. 

Quick Tips For Improving Self-Validation:

• Start thinking your own thoughts more.  Take a break from social media.  Abandon the memes.  Turn off the radio for a little while.  See what your mind does without interference.  See what it says.
• Accept all versions of your feelings.  Even the ones you don't like.  If you hate someone, admit it to yourself.  Say it without a 'because.'  Just say to yourself, "I hate him."  "I hate her."  Don't explain it away.  Just sit with it.  How do you feel after a few minutes without the explanation?     
• Stand firm in your decisions.  If you've made your mind up about something, stick with it as long as the consequences won't be severe.  If you must, answer any questions asked about your decision, but don't "explain it away."  If the decision turns out to be a mistake, validate that you made a mistake and ask yourself what went wrong, and what you could do differently next time.